Friday, August 27, 2010

Even J. D. Couldn't Make This Up

J. D. Phelps, deceased, former operator of the Humble Gas Station on the Corsicana Highway, philosopher with no equal in all of Central Texas, driver of a fine Mercury automobile, and previous daily frequenter of the County Line Beer Joint on the Waco Highway had no equal when it came to spinning tales. J. D. could put hair on any story and never crack a smile. Most think he was a little bit crazy, but most chickens think the same thing about most foxes. Anyway, the folks at the Cafe, when completely bored, play a game named after Mr. Phelps called "Even J. D. Couldn't Make This Up".

Joe B. Heard, resident of Irene, Texas, population of not many, and former home of this writer's first and only spouse, tossed the ball up to start by reading semi-verbatim the following newspaper item:

"ALBANY, N.Y. -- New York Gov. David Paterson on Thursday promised to finally start collecting taxes on cigarettes sold by Native American stores (that would be Indians in plain talk), despite state police warnings that such enforcement could result in 'violence and death'."

"The state plans to collect a $4.35-per-pack sales tax on cigarettes sold by Native American retailers to non-Indian customers beginning next Wednesday."

"Tribes have refused to collect the tax, citing their sovereignty and treaties dating to 1794. The last time the state tried to collect the tax, in 1997, protests erupted and tires were burned on the Thruway, shutting down a 30-mile stretch. Hell, sounds like a return to Little Big Horn."

"There will be quite an uprising and protest to this, but I am going to maintain this policy," Paterson said.

"This is a very dangerous situation," he told WOR-AM Thursday. "There is a -- I think -- high alert. The State Police tells us over and over again that there could be violence and death as a result of some of the measures we're taking. Somebody would have to tell Paterson because he is literally blind as a drunk Saturday night bat.  I'm not lying.  I've seen him on TV."

"Seneca Indian President Barry Snyder has repeatedly said 'violence is not on our agenda,' but the nation's leadership acknowledges that some of the tribe's more than 7,000 members might disagree. I never knew an Indian chief named Barry. Only in New York."

"The tax on Indian cigarettes is expected to generate about $200 million a year in revenue. Tribal retailers would still be able to sell cigarettes tax-free to members. Sounds like they are encouraging Indians to smoke, I guess the State doesn't mind killing off some of the tribes with them throwing tires in the street, huh?"

"New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg recently said the governor should act like a cowboy with a shotgun and enforce the state tax law.  What dumb asses.  Most cowboys don't shoot shotguns."

"Paterson called those comments "inappropriate." The mayor's remarks also drew sharp criticism from the Senecas and Oneidas. Oneida Nation Representative Ray Halbritter said Bloomberg's imagery was as distasteful to his tribe as if someone urged Nazis to take action against Jews. These are awfully big words for an Indian."

Joe B's reading just about took all of the wind out the game for most of the serious players. Sweet Lou Tekell, former All District wide receiver so he wouldn't have to block too much, limped in with an "Even J. D. Couldn't Make This Up" story about the profoundly Liberal former General Wesley Clark. Sweet Lou says, "Clark was interviewed this weekend in support of Obama's strategy in the good war, that being Afghanistan. Clark said we had 100,000 troops there for two good reasons. First to go after Al Queda even though Al Queda has left Afghanistan and gone to Pakistan, Somolia, Yemen, and even Mexico. Secondly, we need the troops in Afghanistan in case a war breaks out between Pakistan and India. And that was it. He never mentioned the Taliban who are the guys we are fighting and Obama is trying to make peace with. Seems like Liberal Generals like to have lots of troops in places where there is no enemy." Sweet Lou finished third in the game.

Coming in second place was JJ Weatherby, ancestor of the former Ford dealer in Hubbard City for years before it closed because just about everything else in Hubbard had already closed. J. J's entry was, "J. D. could not make up a story where the Federal Government bankrupts G.M., gives them $50 billion with a 'b', stiffs stock and bond holders breaking all bankruptcy laws, gives the Unions 17% ownership in the company, lays off thousands of workers, closes dozens of plants, closes hundreds of dealerships, and then, and then (I repeat for emphasis) takes G.M public again to make Goldman Sachs and the bankers (who Obama says he hates) tons of money. Now this is a stock you would love to own after what happened to previous bond holders, right?  Meanwhile Ford with no stimulus 'rocks'."

Well, I knew J. D. well, him being my former employer and all. Joe B, Lou, and JJ would would make him proud. I hope they keep playing the game even though I know J. D. Could Have Made These Things Up---and then some.


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Why Are the Enemies of the U.S. Obama's Friends?

I personally visited the Hubbard City Cafe on Sunday of this week and made a personal observation that it doesn't matter so much what you put under your gravy as long as you have good gravy. But I bet most of you folks already knew that.  On this particular day I had beef tips, rice, and mashed potatoes underneath.  Some gravy even oozed over on to my baked squash and green beans.  One thing was for sure.  It is all good if you have a piece of great corn bread in one hand at all times.  You know that corn bread that makes great golden colored muffins and has just enough sugar to sweeten it up just right.

Well, several of the coffee drinkers came by after lunch and are considering requesting stimulus money for bomb shelters based on the latest news.  Under intense questioning on my part Butch came forward, "Let me lay it out for you city folks.  On the very same day Obama leaves town for his 6th vacation of the year (which isn't nearly enough to protect the country), he announces that he forced Israel and the Palestinians into peace talks that will last for one year, and he officially reassures (for what that is worth) Israel that Iran is 'at least 12 months' from a nuclear bomb as Iran's leadership hailed the fuelling of its first nuclear power plant on Saturday."

"So Butch, what is this all about?"

"It is all about Obama, like most libs, wanting to pull out of the middle east where 70% of the world's oil reserves are located and could fall into the hands of the bad guys pretty easily without our presence.  The middle eastern power is clearly Iran.  They are mean and hate the Western World.  They can easily stop our Obama military  retreats from Iraq and Afghanistan by stirring up trouble in either or both countries.  So they let Obama know that they will behave somewhat and let him pull out if Obama will keep Israel from bombing them before they can get their nuclear weapons.  So Obama is attempting to tie Israel up in 'peace talks' and 'reassurances'." 

"You know what Billy Roy says about Obama, he is one of those guys that you don't listen to what he says, but watch what he does, and most of that is behind your back and under the table."

"So, Butch, what is Billy Roy saying about all this talk about Obama being a Muslim?"

"Jim, you are really stretching me out here, it being a Sunday and all.  BM says 'the enemy of my enemy is my friend'.  To put this in simple terms it is all about the game of  oppressors and the oppressed.  Those who want to play this game to gain power will team up so to speak.  The enemy or oppressor in this case is the mostly white capitalistic America.  The enemies of capitalistic America are somewhat friends, that being Marxists, Black Liberation Theologists who are so called Christians, and even Muslims.  They all hate White America.  So Obama, who thinks it is his calling is to save the world's oppressed from the oppressors, claims to be a Christian with outreaches to Marxists and Muslims.  Of course, BM says, we all know Obama really worships only Obama.  He will adopt any doctrine that will serve his cause."

"Butch, I'm not sure how simple that is but I am going to mull it over all the way back to Austin.  I just hope I don't get my friends mixed up with my enemies as I sort through it.  Meanwhile, how's that bomb shelter coming?"

Butch has got me thinking about it,