Thursday, August 6, 2009

Clunker Scandal Closes City of Whiskey Flatts

The following story was reported to the Hubbard City Cafe coffee drinkers by the Mayor of Whiskey Flatts, Booger Brown.

"A few months ago the sign entering Whiskey Flatts, which is a small town about 10 miles from Hubbard, read:

Welcome to Whiskey Flatts
Population 121

Today the sign just reads:

Whiskey Flatts

What happened? "About two months ago a slick talking salesman from Dallas set up a desk in downtown Whiskey Flatts to buy slightly used automobiles that he called "Clunkers". Paying top dollar (sometimes in the amount of $300-400) within a couple of days he had cleaned the town out of about 90 of these so called Clunkers. So our clunkers were on the way to Dallas for some type of scam for rich city people wanting trade ins to buy new cars. Meanwhile back in Whiskey Flatts within three weeks the following businesses closed their doors in our small city:

Pete's Auto Shop

Joe's Auto Shop

Pete and Joe's Repairs

Pete Jr's Fix It Shop

Lefty's Auto Supply

Joe Jr's Wrecking Yard"

Well, this really stirred up Billy Roy Mitcham who responded, "No wonder the Secy of Transportation is named LaHood! So that damn Clunker program shut the whole city down?"

Surprisingly Booger's answer was "No. This was a jolt to our economy but the real problem came from something your Aunt Martha calls 'unintended consequences' ." (Booger is an avid reader of the Hubbard City News)

"Well this term always excites the folks so they pulled their straight chairs up real close and ordered refills for their coffee."

The mayor continued, "like all major towns in Central Texas downtown Whiskey Flatts has been suffering from Global Warming with our temps this summer reaching 102-103 degrees on certain days that felt really hot. After the Clunkers were taken off our streets we had temperatures drop by 25-30 degrees immediately. In fact temps plunged at night to as low as 45-50 degrees. Well, our Math teacher, Mr. Mills immediately projected that this winter this attack on our environment would result in a Global Cooling of downtown Whiskey Ridge to reach tempertures with lows somewhere between 2 and 3 degrees. Hell, we might even dip below zero or something".

Well, when word got out our folks immediately boarded things up and most moved to Corsicana where there are plenty of Clunkers to protect the environment. So I just closed the town and am requesting some Washington 'stimulation'."

When asked what his alternatives were if the stimulation doesn't kick in quickly before the pipes rust and stuff like that, and of course he said, "we would have to go the 'bail out' route, but that would give us a lot more money than we really need bringing on a whole new set of problems. It seems a Mayor's job is never done."

Well no wonder Obama is not making public the Clunker data. Check out the press release below and don't forget to.....

Think about it,


Obama Won't Release Data on 'Clunkers' Program

Tuesday, August 4, 2009 12:55 PM

WASHINGTON -- The Obama administration is refusing to release government records on its "cash for clunkers" rebate program that would substantiate _ or undercut _ claims of its success.

President Barack Obama wants $2 billion more to boost car sales, days after the first $1 billion was made available. Obama has promised greater transparency, but Transportation Department officials say they don't have time to turn over sales data provided by car dealers.

The limited information shows most buyers are not picking Ford, Chrysler or General Motors vehicles, and six of the top 10 vehicles purchased are Honda, Toyota and Hyundai. The Associated Press has sought release of the data since last week. Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood said Sunday the government would release it.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Jack Kemp is Turning Over in His Grave

Jack Kemp, former Bubbalo Bill's Quarterback, presidential candidate, leader of Conservative economic priniciples, and one of the most popular politicians at the Hubbard City Cafe was recently honored with a moment of silence at the folk's regular coffee meeting. Billy Roy Micham said that was the least they could do to try to offset the disrepect that was being shown Jack in Washington, D.C. Jack Kemp passed away only three short months ago in May of this year. The folks were giving their somewhat undivided attention to the popular QB because of the following press release that was intercepted by Butch Jackson, local historian and semi-local philosopher:

Obama Gives Presidential Award to Kemp, Harvey Milk

Thursday, July 30, 2009 8:40 PM

President Barack Obama is awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to 16 people, including political ally Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, tennis legend Billie Jean King and retired Archbishop Desmond Tutu of South Africa.

The White House announced the list of recipients Thursday.

The medals, representing the nation's highest honor for a civilian, are the first to be awarded by Obama. He will present them at a White House ceremony on Aug. 12.

Other names on the list are: Race for the Cure founder Nancy Brinker, physicist Stephen Hawking, civil rights activist Rev. Joseph Lowery, and entertainers Sidney Poitier and Chita Rivera.

Former Rep. Jack Kemp, who died in May, and gay rights activist Harvey Milk, who was assassinated in 1978, will receive posthumous awards.

Immediately Aunt Martha was asked to pen the following letter to Washington:

To: Obama (with a b)

From: The Hubbard City Cafe

What in the Hell are you doing now? To associate an all NFL Quarterback and good Conservative with people named Tutu, Chita, Teddy, and a man named Sidney is an insult to all real Americans.

What in the Hell is your idea of a Medal of Freedom? The only thing Teddy Kennedy ever freed was himself from that car in the ocean leaving that poor woman, Mary Joe, to drown. He then fled and freed himself from what should have been a life in prison.

What in the Hell did Harvey Milk do in setting an example for our children? We have a current movement in Hubbard to re-open the Movie Theatre just so we can ban that stupid Sean Penn movie about Milk and the all American City of San Francisco.

And lastly, who in the Hell is Joseph Lowery and what position did he play? Our googler says he was a supporter of "As an independent voice of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer people". What does this guy have in common with Jack Kemp?

No real American hero deserves this treatment.

The Folks