Thursday, August 4, 2011

Bush's Stock Market Plunges As Hubbard City Turns to Cow Fart Crisis

Now that we have fixed the debt ceiling thing and avoided worldwide financial catastrophe we can focus on major local issues. Things like watching our IRAs collapse (11% so far) with the George Bush caused stock market plunge this week (hopefully Obama can save us and keep the DOW from losing more than 2,000). It makes you wonder what would have happened if Obama and Boehner hadn’t done such a great job fixing the debt ceiling and our debt problems. In Hubbard we have the same really big issue we have it seems every July and August. The problem does have a new name this year as it has become CLIMATE CHANGE INSTEAD OF GLOBAL WARMING. Seems to happen almost every year in downtown Hubbard City.

The climate seems to change mostly around the Hubbard City Drug Store where global warming used to happen as well. This is also where Hubbard’s Liberals/Progressives/”What Evers” have their coffee. Whereas the Café folks stick mostly to just coffee, unless there is a major birthday or something, the Libs will bring in fancy things like sweet rolls, donuts, and coffee cake on just plain ole regular days. They even bring in homemade biscuits and gravy on big special occasions like Obama’s birthday or May Day or celebration of the Cuban Revolution.

Well it seems there is a rumor that has been revealed at the Café that the Libs are boiling over again this year feeling really strong that the climate change will reach what they call single digits. That would be something like all ones, you know 111 degrees. And again this year they are blaming this change on Scott Riddle’s cow farts. To jog your memory Scott is the nephew of hall of fame baseball player and former resident of Hubbard, one Tris Speaker. Scott moved to the city, that would be Waco, and became an Insurance tycoon. After coming back to Hubbard he bought bottom land about three miles north of Hubbard and filled it up with big old cows. It is alleged by the Libs, who are supported by former agriculture teacher J. B. Nunnelly, that as drought sets in and the grass gets real dry the cows release exceptional and excessive amounts of gas carbons into the air. There are those who claim that Scott, an avowed Conservative, aims the cows every July/August right at the downtown Hubbard Drug Store.

The rumor has it that the Libs have taken some of their Stimulus money and have been preparing a protest sign. This is really big because Hubbard City has never had a protest sign before of any kind, not even when the City Council banned high school same sex marriages. Now normally the Café would send my Aunt Martha, who writes a column for the Hubbard City News called the "Snoop", into the Drug Store to find out what is happening. This isn’t possible because Aunt Martha has been hospitalized with a low sodium condition. She went to the hospital after I strongly insisted that she do so. Seems Hubbard folks listen to me a lot about medical conditions and take my advice knowing that I play golf with several doctors here in Austin on a semi-regular basis.

To defend himself against possible protest signs it appears Scott has gone down to his old friend and former football team mate, Doyle Lee Holman who now runs the Hubbard Loan Company located on main street just out of the climate change zone, who has sold Scott a semi-official looking certificate. The certificate says Scott has bought Carbon Credits to offset excessive cow farting (Algore is involved in this somehow as well).

Looks like this could wind up on the desk of local Justice of the Peace, Big Brad Henley who is also a former football team mate of Scott’s. Also since Aunt Martha’s daughter is the JP’s assistant it would appear that Scott is going to come out of this OK again this year to the serious frustration of the folks at the Drug Store.

So this appears to be something you really don’t have to think about too much,


Monday, August 1, 2011

Everything Is OK Now

Date: August 1, 2011

To: The Hubbard City Cafe

From: Mitch McConnell and John Boehner (Your leaders in Washington)

1. We made an agreement with Obama, Biden, Reid, and Pelosi and avoided financial catastrophe by raising the debt ceiling beyond the 2012 Election. Don't worry.   Everything is OK now.

2. OK, we agreed to gut the military with large spending cuts in the first phase of the agreement and with even larger cuts with the triggers in the second phase, but don't worry. We never follow through on our promises to cut spending anyway.

3. OK, we agreed to let the Democrats put tax increases back on the table in phase two of the agreement, but don't worry. We never raise taxes on the American people. We and President Obama have pledged we will not raise taxes except for President Obama and only then on Millionaires and mostly Billionaires.  Anyway, it is hard to argue against a "balanced plan".

4. OK, we agreed to give Obama another $2.4 Trillion to spend between now and his 2012 election, but don't worry. He has learned his lesson and will spend it wisely this time.

5. OK, the spending cuts of $2.5 Trillion sound large and that they might affect you, but don't worry. Most of them are back loaded over the 10 year period, and of course, will never happen.

6. OK, we know the rating agencies wanted a cut of at least $4 Trillion to keep the US Credit Rating at AAA, but don't worry. Obama says he will buy them off, and he is really good at that stuff. He may even bring Bill Clinton in to help him with that.

7. OK, we know Obama said he actually wanted to make cuts to Medicare (notice he doesn't mention Medicaid), but don't worry. His Obamacare has already cut $500 Billion, and the new cuts would only be aimed at your Doctors, Nurses, Hospitals, and Insurance Companies. None of this will impact you the President assures us. It also helps him "Triangulate" (appear to be Moderate) for his Re-election so he will be agreeing with us on a lot of things between now and November of 2012. He has learned his lesson.

8. OK, we won on the Balanced Budget Amendment. It will come up for a vote. If you like it, great. If not, don't worry. It requires a 2/3 majority in Congress and the Democrats have enough Libs in safe districts and states to defeat the bill in Congress. The Dems in swing voting districts will vote for it.

9. OK, we know we will lose a lot of Tea Party guys with this bill, but don't worry. We will more than make up for these lost votes by gaining Democratic votes. You know bipartisan stuff rocks!!

Well, that's it. We worked through the week end for you guys. Our assistants will be contacting you with our banking information where you can send your donations for our re-elections (Obama isn't the only one running you know. You need us!)

With best wishes from your public servants,

Mitch and John

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Boehner Will Probably Crater at the Wire

Folks keep calling wanting to know Billy Roy's take on the Saturday and Sunday events regarding the debt ceiling so I gave him a call:

"Here's my take, Jim.  Most Americans and certainly the Tea Party supporters wanted to use the Debt Ceiling issue as a vehicle to create a solution to our deficit and debt issues.  A solution would consist of cutting spending by greater than $6 Trillion over the next 10 years, plus caps on spending, and the initiation of a Balanced Budget Amendment to the US Constitution.  The Amendment process would take many months and require approval by the States as well.  This solution is clearly not going to happen."

"Next, most Americans and the Tea Party supporters wanted at least a 'down payment' of expense cuts tied to raising the debt ceiling.  This would be REAL expense cuts in excess of $4 Trillion.  The is also a requirement of Wall Street for the US to maintain it's AAA debt rating.  This down payment is not going to happen."

"Next, most Americans and the Tea Party would like to see the debt ceiling raised enough to buy more time to achieve a solution or down payment.  This would be the Boehner plan consisting of about  a $1 Trillion debt ceiling raise with about the same in expense cuts.  Congress would then have to come back in about six months using the debt ceiling to attempt to force a solution or a down payment on our debt/deficit.  The President says he will veto this because he wants to get this behind him and not have to face up to the deficit until after the 2012 election.  The Dems will be forced to support Obama so the Boehner plan can not pass."

"So we are left with a plan being put together as we speak which looks like the President would get his only wish which is no limits on his spending through the 2012 election by raising the debt ceiling by more than $2.4 Trillion.  They are attaching spending cuts over 10 years that would total about $1 Trillion.  Then they will add DC gobbledygook language to a bi-partisan committee that would supposedly identify other expense cuts, and failing to do so, triggers would force some kind of action which I would not bet on at all.  My guess is the Senate will pass this bill.  Boehner will pull enough Republican votes to add to most of the Democratic votes to pass this 'bipartisan compromise' in the House.  Most, if not all, Conservative Republicans will vote against this bill.  In other words, Boehner after running a strong race looks like he will crater at the wire."

"So what do we wind up with after all of this bullshit?  We let Obama led Washington borrow another $2.4-$3.0 Trillion over the next year and a half to increase our debt to around $17-17.5 Trillion.  For that we get a promise from DC of expense cuts of $1 Trillion spread over 10 years.  This would possibly reduce our yearly deficits which are running about $1.5 Trillion per year by an average of $100 Billion a year reducing the annual deficit to $1.4 Trillion.    This is peanuts, and when you factor in the fact that the expense cuts will probably never happen, we accomplished NOTHING.  No solution, no down payment, and they don't have to do anything through the 2012 election.  Meanwhile, Obama is free to spend all of his time buying votes and campaigning for the next 16 months."

"Who are the winners and losers?  The losers are the American people and particularly our children and grandchildren.  The losers include Obama who showed himself to those few remaining supporters who are not plantation slaves of the Democratic Party that he is an incompetent blatantly political light weight.  John Boehner will come out of this process if it comes down as described above as losing the support of Conservative Republicans which would include of course the Tea Party.  After fighting effectively for months to get in a position of leverage, Boehner will compromise in the end by allowing a debt ceiling that takes DC (and Obama) off the hook until after 2012 and getting token expense cuts spread over 10 long years.  Sadly, Boehner will wind up voting with the Democrats instead of his own party.  Lastly, America will lose its reputation in the world financial markets as its rating will be lowered.  Both Parties will blame each other for the lowered rating."

"Winners?  Those who want to buy votes from the 51% of Americans who don't pay income taxes and the 70% that take more money than they pay into Washington.  They gained 16 more months to plunder our treasury.  Also winning are the news agencies who drew huge audiences to follow this miserable circus."

With the few hours left we can hope and pray that BM's call is wrong and that Boehner will not agree to anything that raises the ceiling beyond 2012 without at least $4 Trillion of expense cuts.  This probably will not happen.  We will not quit.  We will have to wait until 2012.  At that time we should throw out the leaders of the House and Senate with Obama.

Think about it.  Enough!!!


P.  S.

Did anyone notice that Republican Senators never really got involved except to make an evil compromise at the end.  Put them on your November, 2012 list.