Monday, August 10, 2009

Feral Hogs Gone Wild and the Annual "Tell Off" Results

Wild Feral Hogs are getting semi-bad in the Hubbard Area and are even coming into the local downtown areas. Recently a resident of Mt. Calm (7 miles south of Hubbard) named Billy Clyde Farrell called the EMS (Emergency Medical Services) Ambulance operator:

EMS Operator: Do you have an emergency?
Resident Billy Clyde: Yes, my wife Irma was mauled by a Feral Hog in my own front yard.
Operator: I will send a unit right there.
Resident Billy Clyde: Good, because Irma's in pretty bad shape.
Operator: What is your address?
Resident Billy Clyde: We live at 431 Eucalyptus Street.
Operator: Can you spell that?
Resident Billy Clyde: P.....a......u....s....e
Resident Billy Clyde (again): O. K. let's do this, I'll just drag her over to Oak Street and you can pick her up there.

More news!!!

Last week they held the Annual "Tell Off" Contest at the Hubbard City Cafe. The Chili Cook Off Story won for the 23rd consecutive time. It follows below for those of you that could not attend the Tell Off:

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - Uncle T'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment! **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

1 comment:

  1. I think I know Billy Clyde. He was the top salesman at one of the companies that I'd worked for one year.

    I'll never forget it -- it was a very large company and Billy Clyde happened to have sold more flat screen TVs than any of the other 50 sales reps. My boss and the VP of Sales were on stage and announced Billy Clyde as the winner of the prestigious "Sales Rep of the Year" award and everyone turned and looked at Billy Clyde, who coincidentally had been trying to sneak out of the room at that very moment. Excited that he'd won the award but embarrassed that he'd been caught trying to leave the room, Billy Clyde awkwardly ran up to the stage as we all chuckled and clapped. My boss handed him the microphone for his acceptance speech and I'll never forget what he said...

    "I'll make this short, since I gotta pee...Thank you!"