Those Pesky Little Obama Rules of Engagement

After going 3-7 last year the folks at the Hubbard City Café barged in on a meeting at the Hubbard City Drug Store (remember, that's where the Libs have coffee). The new football coach (8th coach in the last 5 years), Obama Bin Here, was presenting his plan for next year to the applause of the drug store Liberals. The report follows:

"First we will put 11 of the very best players in the district on the field as soon as we can after the game starts, however, I will start withdrawing (taking them out) after the second quarter.

My goal is to re-establish Hubbard’s reputation for sportsmanship in the football world, and to do so, I will commit to the following rules of engagement:

1. I will run no plays that surprise my opponent.
2. Each defensive player will be warned before we direct our play at that player’s position.
3. Referees will accompany Hubbard ball carriers on all rushing plays.
4. No Hubbard player will hit an opponent unless they are hit first (except for rule #7).
5. No Hubbard player can engage an opponent if that opponent's fans or family are watching.
6. No gay opponent may be tackled nor searched for the football by heterosexual tacklers (see rule #7).
7. No opposing ball carrier may be engaged unless they have the ball within the Hubbard 20 yard line and are on a direct path to the Hubbard goal line (see rules #4 and #6."

While Sweet Lou Teakell was happy to hear we were putting the district's best players on the field, the rest of the game plan just didn’t feel right. After tossing and turning as he tried to sleep that night, he finally gave up and read his emails starting with this one:

OBAMA'S RULES OF ENGAGEMENT FOR OUR TROOPS ARE CRAZY

Published on 12/16/09
By Paul E. Vallely
MG, US Army (Ret)
Gold Coast Chronicle

President Obama is sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan that he will start pulling out in 18 months. These U.S. troops will battle both Taliban and their own rules. The Times compiled an informal list of the new rules from interviews with U.S. forces. Among them:

1. No night or surprise searches.
2. Villagers have to be warned prior to searches.
3. ANA or ANP must accompany U.S. units on searches.
4. U.S. soldiers may not fire at the enemy unless the enemy is preparing to fire first.
5. U.S. forces cannot engage the enemy if civilians are present.
6. Only women can search women.
7. Troops can fire at an insurgent if they catch him placing an IED but not if insurgents are walking away from an area where explosives have been laid

Even in Hubbard, Texas football is still a game. War never was and never will be. Either commit and play to win or get our guys the hell out of there.

No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.

Jim