Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Local Oil Man Runs Off To Mexico

Jim Ray Hammer has been running the filling station located at the intersection and across from the Dairy Queen since before this writer graduated from High School in the year- a long time ago. I generally stop by to visit Jim Ray when I am in town seeing Mom. The last time I stopped by the "full service" pump (which adds about 5 cents a gallon, but I am a loyal guy) I was startled to find that JR's son answered that he had run off to Mexico.

The last visit I had with Jim Ray he told me that he was so far over the hill he didn't even know what the hill felt like anymore. So I am pretty certain he wasn't visiting the border for non-virtuous reasons. I immediately launched into some very penetrating questions regarding this shocking departure. The son called out his son, that being Jim Ray's grandson, as a witness so I knew this was going to be some story.

Seems Jim Ray had recently found the internet and had linked up (connected) with a guy he called the "internet guy" who had what JR thought to be the perfect retirement plan. Well, to shorten this down some, Jim Ray loaded and fully serviced his truck and has headed for Brownsville to meet up with the "internet guy" and his family with what Jim Ray's folks say is the FULL SUPPORT OF THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

Here is how it all happened.  Seems they sent a letter to Obama.  Here is a copy "the internet guy" wrote with Jim Ray's additions in LARGE PRINT.

Dear President Obama:

I'm planning to move my family and extended family (THAT WOULD BE JIM RAY HAMMER) into Mexico for our health, and I would like to ask you to assist me.

We're planning to simply PARK OUR TRUCKS AND walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and we'll need your help to make a few arrangements. We plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Calderon, that I'm  (WE) on my way over?

Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family (NO PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS, PLEASE).
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. Please print all Mexican government forms in English (SMALL WORDS/LARGE PRINT).
4. I want my grandkids to be taught Spanish by English-speaking (bi-lingual) teachers (I'M GOOD JUST STICKING WITH ENGLISH).
5. Tell their schools they need to include classes on American culture and history (AND REAL FOOTBALL).
6. I want my grandkids to see the American flag on one of the flag poles at their school.
7. Please plan to feed my grandkids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do plan to get a car and drive in Mexico but I don't plan to purchase car insurance, and I probably won't make any special effort to learn local traffic laws (WE KNOW ENOUGH ALREADY) .
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from their president to leave me alone, please be sure that every patrol car has at least one English-speaking officer.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put U. S. flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals (CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG).
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, or have any labor or tax laws enforced on any business I may start (I'LL NEED A SMALL BUSINESS LOAN FOR MY FILLING STATION).
13. Please have the president tell all the Mexican people to be extremely nice and never say critical things about me or my family, or about the strain we might place on their economy (LET'S KEEP THINGS POSITIVE).
14. I want to receive free food stamps.
16. I'll need Income tax credits so although I don't pay Mexican Taxes, I'll receive money from the government.
17. Please arrange it so that the Mexican Gov't pays $4,500 to help me buy a new car (DOUBLE THAT TO INCLUDE MY TRUCK).
18. Oh yes, I almost forgot, please enroll me free into the Mexican Social Security program so that I'll get a monthly income in retirement. (REMEMBER THAT WORKING AT RETIREMENT IS A FULL TIME JOB)

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all his people who walk over to the U.S. from Mexico . I am sure that President Calderon won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.

Thank you so much for your kind help. You da man!!!

The Internet Guy and JIM RAY

Well, of course I immediately ran to Billy Roy Mitchum to see what in the world had happened to Jim Ray Hammer.  BM said, "Jim, there are some of us that are only shadows of our former selves."  Well, I guess Jim Ray had lost quite a bit of weight, and it probably has gotten him off center a little bit.

It is something for all of us to think about,


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