Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hubbard City Politics: Mostly about Beer, B-B-Q, and Baseball

It is probably good from time to time to remind the readers that most of my information comes from the Hubbard City Cafe where my Mom and Aunt Martha have coffee every day, except Sunday. They are joined mostly by local folks who consider themselves Conservatives. Unless you have a considerable amount of time it is best not ask the coffee drinkers about Conservative definitions and histories as Butch Jackson, local historian and statistician, will talk at some length about their origins.

It usually starts something like this, "Many years ago real men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement."

To be fair and balanced the reader should also know that a group of people have coffee, every day except Sunday, at the Hubbard City Drug Store. These folks enjoy fancy pastries and other delicate morsels with their coffee unlike the Cafe folks who just drink. These people are mostly Liberals as defined by Butch Jackson , "Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men."

Rarely is there a serious discussion that Smokey Brown doesn't turn the conversation to sex. On this day he commented. "that it was his observation that there was an interesting side note to these Liberals: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men."

This caused Aunt Martha to storm out again for the 8th time this year, even though no one will admit that they keep score of her departures. This one was really bad as her tires threw gravel from the parking lot into the cafe's front windows as she sped away. Enough said.

If you sense some hostility in Butch's remarks it is for good reason. As you know from previous postings Hubbard people are huge baseball fans, and they blame Liberals for inventing the designated hitter rule because Liberals felt it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Hubbard's best pitcher that year was also their best hitter. This district ruling was enforced on Hubbard costing them the Bi-District championship and thusly costing the Democrats 43 votes and control of the School Board. Got the picture?

Meanwhile, the Drug Store conversations are more International in nature as they applaud our new President's attempts to regain "respect in the World". This week of course Obama is patching things up with the Russians like he has already done with the North Koreans and Iranians. Butch says, "Liberals believe all foreigners are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was won and their achievements include the domestication of cats, moon walking, federal stimulation, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives produced."

And to provide full disclosure, the Moderates take their coffee an average of 3 times per week at the Dairy Queen including every other Sunday. The Moderates are never discussed at the Cafe or Drug Store because no one likes them.

Sometimes it is good to review history as long as we don't look backwards,


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