Thursday, August 4, 2011

Bush's Stock Market Plunges As Hubbard City Turns to Cow Fart Crisis

Now that we have fixed the debt ceiling thing and avoided worldwide financial catastrophe we can focus on major local issues. Things like watching our IRAs collapse (11% so far) with the George Bush caused stock market plunge this week (hopefully Obama can save us and keep the DOW from losing more than 2,000). It makes you wonder what would have happened if Obama and Boehner hadn’t done such a great job fixing the debt ceiling and our debt problems. In Hubbard we have the same really big issue we have it seems every July and August. The problem does have a new name this year as it has become CLIMATE CHANGE INSTEAD OF GLOBAL WARMING. Seems to happen almost every year in downtown Hubbard City.

The climate seems to change mostly around the Hubbard City Drug Store where global warming used to happen as well. This is also where Hubbard’s Liberals/Progressives/”What Evers” have their coffee. Whereas the Café folks stick mostly to just coffee, unless there is a major birthday or something, the Libs will bring in fancy things like sweet rolls, donuts, and coffee cake on just plain ole regular days. They even bring in homemade biscuits and gravy on big special occasions like Obama’s birthday or May Day or celebration of the Cuban Revolution.

Well it seems there is a rumor that has been revealed at the Café that the Libs are boiling over again this year feeling really strong that the climate change will reach what they call single digits. That would be something like all ones, you know 111 degrees. And again this year they are blaming this change on Scott Riddle’s cow farts. To jog your memory Scott is the nephew of hall of fame baseball player and former resident of Hubbard, one Tris Speaker. Scott moved to the city, that would be Waco, and became an Insurance tycoon. After coming back to Hubbard he bought bottom land about three miles north of Hubbard and filled it up with big old cows. It is alleged by the Libs, who are supported by former agriculture teacher J. B. Nunnelly, that as drought sets in and the grass gets real dry the cows release exceptional and excessive amounts of gas carbons into the air. There are those who claim that Scott, an avowed Conservative, aims the cows every July/August right at the downtown Hubbard Drug Store.

The rumor has it that the Libs have taken some of their Stimulus money and have been preparing a protest sign. This is really big because Hubbard City has never had a protest sign before of any kind, not even when the City Council banned high school same sex marriages. Now normally the Café would send my Aunt Martha, who writes a column for the Hubbard City News called the "Snoop", into the Drug Store to find out what is happening. This isn’t possible because Aunt Martha has been hospitalized with a low sodium condition. She went to the hospital after I strongly insisted that she do so. Seems Hubbard folks listen to me a lot about medical conditions and take my advice knowing that I play golf with several doctors here in Austin on a semi-regular basis.

To defend himself against possible protest signs it appears Scott has gone down to his old friend and former football team mate, Doyle Lee Holman who now runs the Hubbard Loan Company located on main street just out of the climate change zone, who has sold Scott a semi-official looking certificate. The certificate says Scott has bought Carbon Credits to offset excessive cow farting (Algore is involved in this somehow as well).

Looks like this could wind up on the desk of local Justice of the Peace, Big Brad Henley who is also a former football team mate of Scott’s. Also since Aunt Martha’s daughter is the JP’s assistant it would appear that Scott is going to come out of this OK again this year to the serious frustration of the folks at the Drug Store.

So this appears to be something you really don’t have to think about too much,


1 comment: