Date: August 1, 2011
To: The Hubbard City Cafe
From: Mitch McConnell and John Boehner (Your leaders in Washington)
1. We made an agreement with Obama, Biden, Reid, and Pelosi and avoided financial catastrophe by raising the debt ceiling beyond the 2012 Election. Don't worry. Everything is OK now.
2. OK, we agreed to gut the military with large spending cuts in the first phase of the agreement and with even larger cuts with the triggers in the second phase, but don't worry. We never follow through on our promises to cut spending anyway.
3. OK, we agreed to let the Democrats put tax increases back on the table in phase two of the agreement, but don't worry. We never raise taxes on the American people. We and President Obama have pledged we will not raise taxes except for President Obama and only then on Millionaires and mostly Billionaires. Anyway, it is hard to argue against a "balanced plan".
4. OK, we agreed to give Obama another $2.4 Trillion to spend between now and his 2012 election, but don't worry. He has learned his lesson and will spend it wisely this time.
5. OK, the spending cuts of $2.5 Trillion sound large and that they might affect you, but don't worry. Most of them are back loaded over the 10 year period, and of course, will never happen.
6. OK, we know the rating agencies wanted a cut of at least $4 Trillion to keep the US Credit Rating at AAA, but don't worry. Obama says he will buy them off, and he is really good at that stuff. He may even bring Bill Clinton in to help him with that.
7. OK, we know Obama said he actually wanted to make cuts to Medicare (notice he doesn't mention Medicaid), but don't worry. His Obamacare has already cut $500 Billion, and the new cuts would only be aimed at your Doctors, Nurses, Hospitals, and Insurance Companies. None of this will impact you the President assures us. It also helps him "Triangulate" (appear to be Moderate) for his Re-election so he will be agreeing with us on a lot of things between now and November of 2012. He has learned his lesson.
8. OK, we won on the Balanced Budget Amendment. It will come up for a vote. If you like it, great. If not, don't worry. It requires a 2/3 majority in Congress and the Democrats have enough Libs in safe districts and states to defeat the bill in Congress. The Dems in swing voting districts will vote for it.
9. OK, we know we will lose a lot of Tea Party guys with this bill, but don't worry. We will more than make up for these lost votes by gaining Democratic votes. You know bipartisan stuff rocks!!
Well, that's it. We worked through the week end for you guys. Our assistants will be contacting you with our banking information where you can send your donations for our re-elections (Obama isn't the only one running you know. You need us!)
With best wishes from your public servants,
Mitch and John